


And the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You

by GreatAndrewScott



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-17 06:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1378030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreatAndrewScott/pseuds/GreatAndrewScott
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I guess I'm not the man either of our dads' wanted me to be." - Dean Winchester</p>
            </blockquote>





	And the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to tweak this for some time because there are 50 million grammatical errors and I wrote it all in one night like 2 years ago without editing it and then I put it on fanfiction.net. If you want to see the original, it has the same name on ff but it's so much worse because of the grammar mistakes.

Dean knows that he doesn't have much time left. 

Sam, normally loyal to Dean's bedside, promises Dean that he'll be "right back" and runs to grab some food from the vending machines on the lower level. Castiel, on the other hand, has been avoiding Dean now that he is bedridden. It strikes a chord with Dean, that his own best friend doesn't want to see him. But he does what he always does with his emotions: he bottles them up and pretends that they never existed in the first place. So when Castiel appears at the foot of his bed that evening, Dean is more than a little surprised.

Dean stares at the angel, his expression blank and unforgiving. He had once planned out his reaction if the angel had ever returned, and in this moment he remembered it. The first was to briefly let him suffer in silence as if he had no words for his former friend. As he ponders why the angel might chose now of all times to see him, Dean roughly coughs and he immediately realizes there can only be one reason the angel is here. 

"Soon?" The normally emotionless angel averts Dean's eyes, the one action telling Dean everything he needs to know. Dean chuckles. "God, my life has really sucked. What have I accomplished anyway? I mean, you tell me. I know you can see into my past." The angel opened his mouth but Dean gave him no time to respond. "I fucked up things for Sammy - pulled him out of school because I was too chicken shit to try to find Dad myself. And God knows what I did to you since I haven't seen you in a year." Dean pauses, scrambling to find the words he had rehearsed so many times. "Wasn't I supposed to save the world? Wasn't I supposed to be your dad's 'chosen one'?" Dean feels like there's something wrong with the angel, because he takes the verbal beating with the face of a sad puppy. It does nothing, however, to dampen the remorse and anger he feels. "I can't protect Sammy anymore either. Not with these tubes and these... these fucking machines," he spat, weakly gesturing to the instruments in the hospital room. "I guess I'm not the man either of our dads' wanted me to be."

The room goes quiet again. The steady rhythm of the heart monitor and the dull buzz of conversation outside of the room are the only sounds to pierce the silence. Castiel comes closer to Dean. Too close, Dean thinks, but Castiel never did grasp the concept of personal boundaries and Dean didn't make an effort to scoot away.

The angel sits in the chair next to Dean, pensively reaching for him. He places his hand on Dean's shoulder where he'd left his impression so many years before. "Your existence was never null, Dean. You've helped more people than you take credit for, including Sam and I. You were the one that taught me I didn't always have to meet my Father's standards. You shaped me into a new person, per se. Most importantly, you taught me how to be happy." Castiel smiles fondly and gives Dean's arm a soft squeeze. "I never anticipated I would become attached to a human, or begin feeling emotions like one as well."

When it seems that Castiel is clearly finished speaking, Dean lets out a breath he doesn't know he's been holding. "Cas..."

That's all Dean manages before the angel's lips press to his. Both of their eyes are open - Dean's from shock and Castiel's from curiosity - and the experience is overall uncomfortable. For Dean, it was almost like reliving his first kiss, in all it's awkward glory. It didn't make sense to Dean why it would be this bad, after all, Castiel had kissed many women in his time on Earth. Dean's thoughts are cut short. All at once, Castiel looks away and breaks the kiss, leaving the hunter stunned.

"My apologies. I meant you no discomfort. I had hoped for... something different." Castiel removes his hand from Dean's shoulder now, withdrawing into himself. (He momentarily contemplates vanishing to a more relaxed place, maybe a meadow. However, he finds that idea to be rude. He discards the idea and remains seated.)

Dean rubs his eyes, sitting up a little taller and more rigidly. The reality of the kiss only barely breaks through to his brain. "Why?" He finally asks, "Why?"

Castiel looks at him like it's the most obvious thing in the world, tilting his head and staring at him with those impossibly blue eyes. "It's what one does when they're in love," he says plainly.

Dean laughs. "What?" The longer that Dean stares at Castiel, the more that Castiel's seriousness sinks in. Confusion, shock and a bit of something else reflect in his green irises. "Cas, you're not in love with me." Dean knows it sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than the man in front of him.

The angel opens his mouth to reply but suddenly pauses. He looks up with an intense expression and whispers something with an inflection that sounded similar to pleading. Dean watches him, his vision slowly fading.

It is very soon, now.

Castiel takes notice and picks up where their conversation had left off. "Yes, Dean. And I know what love is. I'm not as naïve as I used to be. I don't care if the feeling is mutual, I just..." Castiel's voice trails off. He clenches and unclenches his fists, his gaze shifting to the ground. "I just wanted you to know. That is all."

Dean takes a deep breath and nods curtly, his head lolling. He licks his lips, tasting something that can only be described as "Cas", and holds his open palm to Castiel. With what very little time he has left, he can't afford to have some homophobic meltdown. He pushes it all aside and accepts it.

"Now that I think about it, Cas, I'm pretty sure I love you, too." He'd rather die happy than with a regret; he knows what happens to spirits with regrets.

Castiel scans Dean over before placing his hand in Dean's, allowing a bittersweet smile to briefly cross his features. "I'm glad, but I'm also more upset." He frowns, even when Dean gives his hand a small, yet strong, squeeze. "I wish I could do more for you."

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean sees a familiar face, one that would normally send a wave of panic down his spine. He welcomes her now. He's ready. He grabs Castiel by the back of the neck, pulling him in for one last kiss. This time, he keeps his eyes open to memorize the blue in Castiel's eyes, that is until their eyes both flutter shut. Castiel, stiff at first, eases into the kiss. He cups Dean's cheek, brushing away a stray tear on accident. Dean pulls back and Castiel pushes forward to try to catch his lips again. "You've done enough," Dean mutters against his lips. Dean wraps his arms around Castiel, burying his head in Castiel's neck and giving him a hard thump on the back.

"Dean," the woman said, approaching the two. Castiel moves to pull away from Dean, but Dean keeps a tight hold on him. The reaper, Tessa, put a hand on Dean's shoulder. "Are you ready?"

Dean leans back now, finding Castiel's hand and intertwining their fingers. "I'm ready."

-

Moments later, Sam re-enters the room, carrying various snacks and a bottle of water. Castiel is leaning over Dean's body and the heart monitor is flat-lining. The angel slowly rises to his feet, placing Dean's hands to rest on his stomach. Sam feels his stomach clenching at the scene unfurling before him. "No," he mutters, just above a whisper.

Castiel makes eye contact with Sam, his metaphorical heart swelling with grief and empathy. "I'm so sorry, Sam."

-

Castiel hasn't forgotten Dean's voice, not even one thousand years later when he's watching the human race progress further and further, despite the significant decrease in the population. Castiel would from time to time visit Dean's heaven, but the hunter was never aware that Castiel was more than his memories.

When Dean had died, Sam's heaven had changed. It was no longer from his days of freedom, but instead to times spent with Dean. Occasionally, Castiel would bend the rules, allowing Sam to cross over into Dean's heaven or vice versa. Over time, the brothers became aware of where they were and just what was happening, though they never complained. They quietly thanked the angel of Thursday whom they correctly assumed was responsible. In those moments where they found themselves sitting in Ellen's bar, discussing life and philosophy with Ash, Jo, and Ellen, they are at peace.

Still, it amazed Castiel that Dean's fondest memory, the one that seemed to loop the most, was that day he died in the hospital, kissing Castiel.


End file.
